


A Certain Lack of Epic

by Hokuto



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Comedy, Crack, M/M, Silly, Snark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-14
Updated: 2009-11-14
Packaged: 2017-10-02 17:54:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hokuto/pseuds/Hokuto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a sensible universe, this is what would have happened at Hollow Bastion in KHII.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Certain Lack of Epic

A fine silver slash struck through the dancing Nobodies, and they disappeared. Heart pounding, Cloud turned to face the man in black he knew would be there...

Sephiroth said, "All right, what is it _this_ time?"

Cloud's jaw dropped.

"Seriously, I'm not even doing anything evil," said Sephiroth. "I'm not with the Organization, I'm not with Maleficent and Pete, I was just looking for a florist to get Mother flowers for her birthday - you didn't even call last year, do you know how hurt she was? - when that kid with the hero-complex, what's his name, said you were looking for me because I was the 'darkness in your heart' or something. What are you, fifteen?"

"..." was all Cloud had to offer.

"So now I'm here," Sephiroth said. "What did you want?"

"... an epic battle to destroy the darkness in my heart?" Cloud said.

Sephiroth rested his head in one elegant gloved hand and groaned. "I had a feeling," he said. He shouldered Masamune and said, "Okay, here goes. You are running away from the light of the present because you can't face it and are hiding in the darkness of your memories. And by 'light of the present' I mean your relationship with a strong, devoted, smoking hot woman, and by 'darkness of your memories' I mean having sex with me."

"What?"

"It's not that complicated, Cloud, keep up," Sephiroth said. "God, this is going to be just like the North Crater, isn't it? I told you what was going on _to your face_ and you still didn't get it. What either of those women see in you I don't know - what _I_ see in you I don't know."

"Er," Cloud said, slowing turning red and shuffling his feet.

"You've run away from both of them now and you keep coming back to me," said Sephiroth, "I just don't know what else I'm supposed to think. Either be a man and find some way to deal with having a wonderful girlfriend - possibly two - or do the women a favor and come out of the damned closet already." He paused, and added grudgingly, "I may be waiting for you if you do. But I might also move on - that hero-kid, Sora or whatever, he's going to be pretty hot in a year or two, and there's a guy from a world close to ours, Kuja - well, let's just say I'd go to his yard for a milkshake any day..."

The Heartless in the canyon below them exploded in a flurry of activity, and they both looked down at the chaos and mayhem.

Sephiroth sighed, and said, "There probably isn't a florist here, is there? Not one that would stay open during a Heartless attack, anyway. I'll have to order them online, and who knows what they'll look like or if Mother will like them..."

"My life was so much easier when you just wanted to kill me," said Cloud.


End file.
